Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
