your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
