youre lurking in front of me
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Actions speak louder than pants.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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