i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
