1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
