i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
