Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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