Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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