Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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