remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Randomize
