In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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