I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I need a beard to bite.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
