i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
