Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
It's never too late to be topless.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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