Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
