I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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