My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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