my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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