I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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