you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
