Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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