I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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