she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
