even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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