Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
