this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
