Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
