You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
