he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
