I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
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