Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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