I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
