I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
