i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
