So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
