You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
