My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
