We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
a search helicopter?!
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
