What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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