Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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