Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
