I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
