omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
