My first STD was from a foam party
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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