I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
