You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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