This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
