I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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