dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
