She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
